Holding Our Dreams Loosely

I’ve been called a nomad, a wanderer — challenged to “put some roots down girl!”.  As I made yet another transition this past week, and while driving from Austin to Nashville I thought about the ways I’ve learned to let go. Of yielding my expectations to the actual life before me. Processing through this season of life as a thirty year old single woman that enables me to move so freely.

Next week one of my closest friends marries her love. Squeezing in all the one on one time we can, we called girls night with another sister friend and had real talk over Nashville’s best margaritas. My heart is literally bursting with joy and celebration for my sweet friend and I’ve been so blessed to walk closely alongside her and her fiancé through their dating and engagement season. They are the friends I believe I’ll grow old alongside of — and there is a lot of life ahead of us together.

Over salt rimmed glasses of margaritas, I thought about how many times I have been in this season. As the friend whose walked close during this important life decision, celebrations and pivotal marker of change. Every time holding this deep joy for my friends — yet as any major life transition happens to people close to us — it can bring to the surface our own dreams unfulfilled. In sadder transitions can force our awareness of our mortality and vulnerability. 

Over chips + queso (what happens when you’re friends are Texans) we started talking about dreams. My friend who is also 30, single (beautiful, intelligent, kind, brave) shared how it’s time for her to adjust expectations and dream about what life looks like with or without a partner. Not abdicating the dream of that story unfolding but being open handed with the reality she (and I are) living. 

Many of the women and men in my immediate circle of community are unbelievably intelligent, kind, creative, brave, adventurous, nurturing — and yet many of us find ourselves in seasons no one prepared us for. We’re taught (especially in the Church) as women to value marriage and motherhood as the pinnacle of our life journey. We hear of valuing your single-hood and believing for that season of marriage to come to pass. I do hope that I will get to experience life in relationship with a partner — and am excited for that possibility. Yet, it’s not my right now life. 

Is there space for us to talk about adjusting expectations in a positive way? Or of how it is both beautiful and sometimes painful to attend weddings, baby showers and bridal showers when you go home alone and spend your days without a baby on your hip? How on Christmas morning waking up with no one next to you somehow feels heavy. Or how many times I know many of my female friends have felt measured unequal because at 30 and older, we are not wives or mothers. Some from pursuing careers, others having been divorced or the ever present antagonist of timing. I wish I could bust through the preverbal walls that cause many to feel isolated, even when we are proud of our lives, the work we’ve done and adventures we’ve risked. 

I don’t think we are talking about it enough. Because, as I sat with my sweet friends the other night — it struck me how many close friends — both men and women I love —  are navigating this life of singleness. How often I know we answer the questions “are you seeing anyone?, have you been dating?, it will happen one day for you, have you signed up for online dating”.  etc before asked about any other aspect of our lives. I always want to respond by saying “thank you for your interest, but have you looked at said dating apps? Have any idea what it feels like to feel like you’re a contestant on a virtual marketplace?” That now we choose potential love interest by swiping right or left based on surface level compatibility.”. I usually smile politely and say “I’ll look into it” ;) 

It’s the ultimate balance of holding space in both celebration for people we love as they embark on brave new chapters in marriage and parenthood — yet challenge our own hearts to celebrate the life we are living (and drink some damn good margaritas while we’re at it). 

Wherever you find yourself in this season — single, dating, engaged, divorced, about to be married — perhaps we begin to advocate for one another’s right now lives. Embracing, dreaming and challenging ourselves to be fully present— daringly generous with our love — and open handed with wherever our stories lead.